Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Things Not to Say on a Second Date...or Ever

As you can probably tell, I don't have the best luck meeting guys. Well, meeting them isn't the problem. Meeting good guys is the problem. So I decided to try a new method. I joined online dating. I found my job online, I pay my bills online, I find driving directions online, I read the newspaper online. Why not find the man of my dreams online?

Here's one of many reasons why:

I met a very nice man online. We talked for a while and got along quite well. He asked me to dinner, and we had a wonderful first date. The food was exquisite, the restaurant was lovely with a picture perfect view of the ocean, the conversation was great, and there were even fireworks outside over the ocean at the end of the evening. Couldn't have asked for a nicer first date. We got along really well and I got that sweet fluttery feeling inside when I'd get a text or a call from him. Great, right? So he asks to take me out for drinks for our second date, and of course, I'm totally excited about it. I'm so excited, in fact, I break rule number two and let him come pick me up instead of meeting him. He picks me up, takes me to a very nice hotel bar, orders us some drinks, and we sit down to chat.

We start talking, and things are going just fine. We order a few more drinks and keep talking. I mention that I'm going to be taking a trip to Vegas soon, and then we start exchanging Vegas stories. I tell him the first time I went to Vegas I went for my friend's bachelor party. Bachelorette party he asks? No, bachelor party I say. Were you the stripper? he asks a little too seriously. Um, no, I have a lot of close guy friends and I was invited to the bachelor party. There were no strippers tagging along with our party. It was a bunch of guys I was very good friends with and it was a great time. I guess I should be flattered he thought I looked sexy enough to be a stripper? He asked then asked me what I did when the hookers got there. Hookers? No hookers at my friend's bachelor party. Everything was so nice up until that moment, I figured it was ok to disregard his odd comment or not-funny joke.

Now I am not a boastful person, but I do know that people feel really comfortable talking with me, telling me things they wouldn't normally tell people. I know this. I also know that we'd had a few drinks in us, and most people tend to have a little looser lips after knockin' back a few. But nothing would have prepared me for the direction our conversation took.

"Well, whenever I get married, I'm definitely having hookers at my bachelor party." Um, what? I just sat there staring at him. "Oh, not for me, of course. It's just what my friends do. There are always hookers at our bachelor parties." Oh, well as long as the groom isn't having sex with hookers, clearly there's no problem. NOT. Hello!?! Does he not just realize he's now unofficially told me he's been with hookers?! Well good luck ever getting my pants now mister. If you touched a hooker, I can safely say you aren't going to be touching me.

So after he's said this, I'm still just staring at him. Apparently to him, that means he should keep talking. "Yeah, and this one time about 12 years ago, I missed my friend's bachelor party in Vegas because I had to work. It was about 13 of my friends and they got this thousand dollar hooker. They took her up to the hotel room, put her in the middle of the room, and then they all peed on her at the same time. God, I can't believe I missed that!"


Really? Really? Did you just tell me that not only did people you consider to be friends get a hooker, they put said hooker in the middle of a circle, peed on her at the same time?? In addition you're saying that now, 12 years later, you are STILL upset you didn't get to join in the festivities? Holy. Ever-loving. Crap. What would ever ever ever make someone think this is information that needed to be divulged on a second date? Or a third or fourth, or EVER?? I can guaran-fuckin-tee that no self-respecting woman wants to hear that story from a man she's dating ever. I don't even know alot of guys who'd be like, "Yeah man. That sounds awesome." That's maybe one of those stories you keep to yourself. Call me crazy.

So I'm still just staring at him. As far as I can tell, he really really really has no idea this story is weird and it's made me uncomfortable. He then says, "What about you?" What about me!? ... Seriously? All I could say was "No, I don't really have any hooker and/or peeing stories. Oh, and fake yawn noise, it's getting late, please take me home." If only I hadn't broken rule number two, and then I could have gotten out then and there! Instead we had a very quiet ride home. When we got to my place, I got out of the car as quickly as I could, not giving him time to get out and open the car door for me. He asked as I was trying to close the car door more or less in his face as he leaned over, "Can I call you later?" I wish I had the presence of mind to say something witty back to him like, "No, I'm not a fan of golden showers, so this probably won't work out," or "I'm really a busy lady of the night, and I'm not accepting new clients," but it was real life and I wasn't that quick, so I just stared at him a little more with the are-you-effing-kidding-me look on my face, and then just closed the door with no comment. Good riddance and good luck on all your future dates buddy.

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