Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's Not You, It's Me. Really Really Me.

I've had alot of very...unusual dates, but as much as I want to pretend I'm supreme perfect princess of the world and bad dates just happen to me, in all fairness they aren't always the guys' fault. I am not just willing to admit when it's me who's the nut job, I'm willing to write about it.

There was a guy at work who had a thing for me. I was in my own little world and didn't realize it at all. Sure, I knew he thought I was cool, but I didn't get that he was crushing. We'd chat over our cubicle walls, grab a quick lunch together, make silly jokes, etc. Totally a subtle friend thing in my head. At one point we were talking about a movie that was out, he asked if I wanted to go see it with him. I said sure, and then he said we could get dinner too. I said um, yeah, that sounds good. When he walked away, my girl friend who shared a different cubicle wall popped her head over and told me I just said yes to a date with Mr. Subtle! I did? Are you sure? Yup, you and Mr. Subtle are going on a date!!

Well I hadn't thought about him in that way but then I thought, what the heck. It couldn't hurt. I'll give it a shot and see where it goes. This was long before my rule about meeting for the first date had been set, so since I lived right next to the movie theater Mr. Subtle came over to my place and then I drove us to the theater since I knew the area better. The theater was in one of those strips where there's lots of restaurants and shops in the area with one main drag and lots of turn-offs for parking. We drove around, looking and looking for a place to park. Each turn-off was packed and I had to keep getting back on the main drag. Just at the end was a stop sign and a busy street where you could turn to get on main roads and go back around to start from the beginning to look for parking again. It was a Friday night, so traffic was pretty heavy. Well, as I came up to the stop sign at the end of the road, the car behind me rear-ends us. It wasn't too too bad, so I didn't want to get out and look right there because of how it would hold up traffic. I checked with Mr. Subtle and he was ok, and so was I. I saw a gas station literally right next to us on the right so I pointed at it out my car window and the lady who hit me gave me the ok sign with her hand out hers. As I turned into the gas station, this bitch just blew past the gas station and hauled her ass away.

So this is the part where I can only assume Mr. Subtle is writing his own story about me somewhere.

Clearly this lady didn't realize she had hit someone who wasn't going to take this lying down. With little to no regard for the situation, I believe my exact words were, "Aw HELL no," and I peeled out after her. I think in one fluid motion as I hit the gas I pulled my cell phone out and threw it at Mr. Subtle and told him to call the police. I didn't even look at his face because I was not about to take my eyes off the car I was following, but based on the tone of his voice I'm pretty sure he was scared for his life. Crazy Lady Who Rear Ended Me had of course now spotted me following her and she is cutting through traffic like crazy trying to lose me. Crazy Lady underestimated me again. I myself am quite capable of doing the very same maneuvers sweetheart, so game on bitch! She's still just a couple cars in front of us and is desperately hoping I'm going to give up. Again, it's busy Friday night traffic, so we both have our work cut out for us. I hear Mr. Subtle on the phone with the police and he's trying to explain what happened. As he's explaining, I hear, "...yes, she hit us and then took, we didn't get a license plate number before she took of, but we're trying, we're um, we're trying to tail her now..." at which point I said something to the effect of, "Trying my ass. I'm not letting this bitch get away," and hit the gas. I then hear, ", she says she's not going let, um, the other car get away...yeah, I don't know..." And as if Crazy Lady could hear this, she started weaving in and out of oncoming traffic to pass cars where traffic was slower. So what did I do? Well the same thing of course! OK, that's not totally true. I considered it. I even made one faint attempt to get into the oncoming traffic lane but quickly swerved back into my proper lane. You know why? SHE'S the Crazy Lady, not me. I've only temporarily lost it. This other bitch is nuts. So as she swerved in and out of oncoming traffic, I couldn't help but lose her.

In all of this super speedy, traffic-weaving insanity, we'd only gotten the first 3 letters of her license plate, the fact that it was a forest green Mazda, and it had the front smashed in a little from the accident. Mr. Subtle, who was currently white knuckling the bar on the door, told me the police told us to go to a parking lot and wait for them to get there so maybe we should go there. I finally pull over and we get out and look at the car and luckily there's almost no damage. What's funny is if she had just pulled over in gas station, I would have looked at my car and said it's fine, if you don't want to report this let's just go on our way. We waited there and after about 45 minutes, I saw that stupid ass Crazy Lady driving down the street again! That same street where the theater and the restaurants were! Who returns to the scene of a crime just to hang out on a Friday night?!? I wouldn't have even known it was her except for the front of her car was smashed in. I was so angry I just started running after her, which she saw and bolted out of there again. I'm not sure what I my big plan was if I had caught up to her. Kick out a taillight? Just get her plate number? Drag her out of the car and kick her? Probably just the plate thing, and walking would have been a much better plan because I wouldn't have drawn attention to myself, but running at her seemed to make sense at the time. I walked back to Mr. Subtle and my car in defeat and said, "Let's just go. It's not worth waiting anymore," to which he replied in complete and total seriousness, "You're not just saying that so you can chase her again, are you?"

PS. We never did see the movie that night, but either he had a high threshold for crazy or I just wear it well, because he asked me out again the next week.

1 comment:

  1. LMAO!!!! Kate, I'm reading your blog from beginning to end and this is the best one yet! Can't wait to read more!