Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Someone's Scary at the Cemetery

Hello my dear readers. I know, I know, it's been far too long since my last post. Look, I've been really busy! There were things... and stuff... and...you know...things to do...

Ok, I have no excuse. I've neglected you. Can you ever forgive me? Let me try to make it up to you. I feel the only fair punishment would be if I told you about another time where I was the crazy one on the date.

One of my favorite things to do in all of LA is go to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery on a Saturday night anytime from May through October. No, I'm not an uber dedicated goth chick. They show movies there at sun down on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays. You bring a blanket, whatever food and drink you want, and just hang out with your friends until the movie starts, then watch a movie under the stars. It's not nearly as creepy as you're thinking. I promise.

A few years back, I had missed every single movie the entire summer. I don't know what happened! I had let the summer get away from me and suddenly I was facing down the last Saturday movie night of the season. I must go! I wouldn't get another chance until next May! I made a bunch of calls, but everyone I knew already had plans for the night and were not as willing as I to break them. Then I remembered a guy I had a pretty good-sized crush on. We hadn't actually had a date, but whenever we were at social outings together, it was clear we had a connection. I don't normally ask guys out on a first date, but it was the last movie of the season, and he was my last hope. I gave him a call and explained to him what it was, and he said he was down. Yay! I wasn't sure if he'd say yes, so this is sweet! I not only get to go see "The Exorcist" at the cemetery, but I get to go with a guy I like!

This is a very popular event, and considering it was the last one that summer, it was beyond crowded waiting to get in. It's always good to get there early because they only allow a certain number of people in to the cemetery, and if you don't make the cut off point, you don't get in. They've also been known to refund people their money and kick them out if they can't find a spot with their blankets on the lawn. They let in a couple thousand people, so its not that they're stingy, it's just that there are only so many people you can fit in any given area.

Luckily my guy and I had no problem finding a spot. We lay out our blanket, open a bottle of wine, and start chatting in wait for sundown. As dusk is falling, we look around and it is just jam-packed. People are still desperately trying to find somewhere to throw their blanket in hopes of not being ejected. In front of us is one single guy with three large, green blankets spread out. He's clearly waiting for people, but it was so late, it didn't seem likely he'd need all that space. Also, because it was getting dark, his green blankets looked an awful lot like open grass. A young hippie couple came running up, thinking they'd hit the jackpot with the open area, and right as they got up close, the one guy manning the blankets starts yelling at them, "No! Nope! Nope! Nope! This is taken. You can't sit here!" He was meaner than he needed to be, but he was probably pissed thinking he might be sitting on three big blankets all by himself for the night.

The young hippies' shoulders drop in defeat, and they start slowly spinning in place, searching and hoping to find another small spot to put their blanket before people get kicked out. I look at my date who is already looking at me and we both nod in silent agreement. I start moving our bags and what not to the back of our big blanket, and my date tells the couple they can throw their blanket down on top of ours, since we have more than enough room. They are so excited, thank us profusely, and then take up very little room and sit down in front of us. I'm floating in seventh heaven right now because 1) it feels nice to do something good and 2) on our very first date out, I just had a wordless conversation with this guy! Woo hoo! Don'tcha just love that good feeling on a first date thing?

My date and I continue chatting as the sun goes down, and then they start up the movie. As the first scene comes on, I lean over very close to my date and whisper, "I don't remember an excavation scene at the beginning of this movie," and young hippie girl who we just let sit on our blanket turns and looks me dead in the eye, brings her forefinger to her lips and says, "SHHHHHHH," and then continues to stare at me straight in the eyes. Um, what's this now? I look around me quickly and then back at her and say in a low voice, "Really?" She replies back, "Yes. Really."

Excuse me?

Who does that? Who has the gall to be a super bitch after we were so kind to her? I wasn't even loud. And aside from that, everyone around us was talking. We're sitting in a cemetery with literally thousands of people for god sake. I am NOT good at keeping my opinion to myself, and my knee jerk reaction was to tell this chick off, but I looked at my date and I was so content with how things were going, I thought maybe he doesn't need to see my crazy quite yet. It's probably best to try to keep that under wraps at least for the first date, and especially since the first date was going so well!

The movie continues, and we sit there quietly. About 15-20 minutes past the first time I was shushed, I lean over to whisper something else to my date. Whisper, mind you. I'm not even talking out loud like everyone else in our area was. God knows why she needed to shush me and not everyone else in our surrounding area, but whatever. So I whisper something to my date and this dumb bitch turns around to face me full on and says at full volume, "If you didn't want to watch the movie, why the hell did you come here?"

Ok, you had your chance. You had your get out of jail free card. It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut the first time, so you know I couldn't keep it shut the second.

"If you wanted to watch the movie in silence, you shoulda just stayed home and rented it instead of coming to a cemetery to watch it with thousands of people!" We start shouting back and forth in standard catty, female verbiage about who wants who to shut the hell up and how maybe she thinks she needs to stand and MAKE me shut up and I tell her I'd like to see her try, etc. My blood was just boiling in my veins, and we were just spewing all kinds of venom back and forth. She really, REALLY really really wanted to stand up and fight me. I've never once in my life been in a fight, but I was just dying for her to stand up, mostly because I saw her come and sit down. She was all of 5'3" on a good day. I'm 6'1" in my bare feet, and she hadn't seen me stand up yet. It woulda been a nice little Back to the Future moment where Marty picks a fight with Biff, and Biff slowly rises up, way taller than Marty and it scares the ever-loving crap out of him. I SO woulda done that to this nutjob chick.

But I digress. We're shouting at each other and I'm so focused on verbally kicking her ass that I'd forgotten where I was. When I mentally took a quick account of my surroundings, I realized my date is now literally holding me back by my arm as I lean forward in super ghetto I'm-gonna-kick-a-bitch's-ass mode. I might as well have said, "Aw no you di-ent," and told him to hold my earrings. Awesome. I'm sure he's so glad he came out with me. Now my date that has been going so well is possibly ruined by me showing my not-so pretty side in yelling at this stupid hippie girl. I'm thinking all of this while she and I are still ranting. Ok, it's probably time to wrap this up and hope I haven't done any irreparable date damage.

Kate: "I am SORRY..."

Stupid Hippie: "Don't be sorry, just shut the fuck up."

Kate: "Oh, you didn't let me finish. I am SORRY we were so kind as to let you sit on our blanket instead of getting your asses kicked out, and I am SORRY you consider my quiet whispers more of an interruption than you shouting at me to be quiet. Now either stand up or turn around and shut the fuck up."

She turned around.

When I was sure she couldn't see me any more, I took a long, deep breath in hopes to put out some of the fire that was raging inside me. I don't know if other people can, but I can't just flip a switch and go back to not being all peaked in fight or flight mode. I wanted to try to calm down as quickly as possible though so I could assess if my date was mortified by my behavior or not.

"That was pretty cool," he whispered to me. Ha! Date not ruined! Yaaaaaaay me!

As I'm reveling in my success of making the hippie be quiet and not losing face with my date, a random guy sitting on a blanket next to us who'd unavoidably watched and listened to our whole throw down leaned over to say something to me and my date with a very serious and stern look about him. Oh great. Now we have to deal with someone else. What the hell is going on? Am I crazy? Do I need to start gearing up again for more verbal combat?

"I think SHE needs an exorcist!" he said.

Well said my new friend, well said.