Saturday, April 17, 2010

Pick Up Put Downs

I'm traveling quite a bit this week, so in lieu of a long story, I'm going to take us through a handful of the pick up lines I've been lucky enough to hear in my life. All of the following can be read, A man walks up to me and says,

1) "Wanna thumb wrestle?" He holds his hand out to me as if I'm going to grab it and start thumb wrestling, waits as I just stare at him, and then follows it up with, "You probably would have beat me anyway." Waits again as he's just standing there staring at me and then says, "Thumb wrestle?"

2) "So how many kids do YOU have?"

3) "Oh my god, are you Drew Barrymore?!" to which I reply, "No, I'm not." "Oh, thank god," he says, "I hate her. She's so ugly. You're kinda hot though!" [what?]

4) (while "Kiss" from Prince is playing) "Hey, act your age not your shoe size." I stare blankly at him, and he laughs awkwardly, points up at a speaker and meekly says, "You know, like in the song?"

5) "Are you a hooker? Cuz I don't have any money, but I like you."

6) "I think you and I should get together and hang out in my mom's garage."

7) "You would not believe how much you look like my ex-girlfriend. I mean it! It's not even your look, it's the whole way you carry yourself. Man, you're just like her. Wow. Can I get your number?"

8) "My friend over there likes you, and by my friend over there, I mean me."

9) "What's your life about?"

10) "I bet your clothes look good. Oh, I mean they do look good, but they'd look better if they were dirty. No, that's not right. Dirty from the floor. They'd look good on the floor!!"

11) "Will your boyfriend over there beat me up if I hit on you, or is this cool?"

12) "I like hair." [Seriously, that's all he said. He didn't explain either.]

13) "Hey, did I tell you I'm in a band?" "Nope, this is the first time we've ever spoken." "Well I am. Hot, right?"

14) "I heard you karaoke that last song. I've heard better, but you weren't that bad I guess. Want to come sit at my table?"

15) "It's my birthday tonight, so I think you have to give me a kiss right now."

16) [My favorite] A guy asked me my name 4 times in a row, and when I told him he couldn't be that interested in me because he couldn't even remember my name, he holds out his left hand palm up and writes K A T E, one letter on each of this fingers, and then draws an arrow on his thumb, points his thumb at me, reads his hand, looks up at me and shouts, "KATE!" like a child who just passed a test at school.

Just a taste of what's out there folks. Another story to come next week!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Arrogance at its Finest

When I started online dating, I decided to really try and screen out the really bad ones. After a particularly bad date, there was a new guy I was interested in, and he was interested in me. We started chatting and we got along really well. He asked me out on a date right away, but I wanted to wait just a little longer because I wanted to get a better feel for who he was before we actually met up. I put it all out there and specifically told him why I wanted to wait, and he totally understood and was A-Ok with waiting. He told me just to let him know whenever I was ready to meet up. So we emailed alot, which evolved to texting alot, which evolved to calling alot. I'd get those super cute -thinking of you- messages on my phone and it would totally brighten my day each time I got one. In hindsight, it was all cutesy stuff and nothing of substance, so my waiting to learn more about him was all for not.

After about 2-3 weeks, I decided that this one passed my screening and we were all clear for a first date. On our next phone call, I let him know I'd be up for a date if he still was. Of course! he says, and he couldn't be happier. Yay for a new first date. We decide on the restaurant and to meet there next Friday at 7:00pm.

I show up at about 6:55pm and wait. He walks up around 7:10pm (I know it's not that late, but seriously guys. How hard is it to show up on time?! Or at least call or text to say you'll be late?!), and when he makes eye contact with me, this guy who's been SO sweet to me for the last couple weeks literally rolls his eyes, looks down, and then laughs to himself shaking his head as if to say, "joke's on me."

At this point in my life, I'd been online dating for a while. I'd been on more than enough dates to know my pictures and my profile display who I am to a T. My flaws, my good traits, everything is there, so I'm trying to figure out what it is he wasn't expecting from me aesthetically because we still have yet to speak to each other. I mean, whatever it is must be huge because he didn't even try to hide his disappointment. Well, now I know that he's a dick who's more than ok with being rude to people's faces.

So all this is going through my head as we walk up to each other. I extend my hand to greet him and say, "Hi, I'm Kate." His response is, "Of course you are," as if he were following through on a bet he lost. Excuse me? Who the fuck are you? Now that we're up close I can see that regardless of whatever he thinks is wrong with me, he's about three inches shorter than he claimed to be (which is a big deal when you're a 6'1" girl like myself. Him going from 6'0" in his profile to 5'9" in real life is to say the least, unexpected), and he was balding quite severely. All his pictures online showed him with hats on, and now I can see that was to hide his balding. I don't even mind balding, so I would have been ok with it if he'd been up front. I get that some guys are insecure about it (don't be btw!) and I appreciate trying to downplay something you're don't feel 100% comfortable with, but I would have been pissed if I wasn't ok with bald guys. ANYWAY, again, this is all running through my head as I'm trying to figure out what disappointed him about me. Maybe he thought I was lying about my height too and he was disappointed I was really tall? Whatever. I can tell right now this isn't going to work, but if he's going to insult me to my face, I'm going to get a free dinner out of it.

We get seated in the restaurant and I take a look at the menu. He doesn't open his and I ask him if he already knows what he's getting. He tells me he always gets the same thing, and then just starts rambling from there while I look at my own menu. I'm only half paying attention because what I'm hearing is he's somehow trying to impress me with how rich his parents are. Way to put your best foot forward dude. Your best quality has absolutely zero to do with you. Awesome. Where is the really nice guy I'd get text messages from and talk to on the phone?? After a lull in his monologue, he asks me if I know what I'm going to get to eat. I tell him I don't know, it all looks so good, and he replies somewhat under his breath, "I'll bet it does." What? What does that mean? Just as he says this the server walks up and asks us for our orders, so I didn't get to ask him right then and there what the deal is. I order, so does he. While we're waiting, I'm in no mood for conversation but this guy just keeps going on and on about his parents and how well connected they are in LA. I finally get that he's fishing for me to ask him who they are, but you know what? Not gonna ask ya, buddy. Couldn't care less. I don't care if your parents are Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, it's not going to make me like you any more.

Our food comes and as we're eating, he just keeps bragging about god knows what. He's just so arrogant, I feel like there's a cloud of his ego settling on the table like summer smog sits on the city. I look at my food and realize, I'm just done with this whole situation and not in the mood to eat anymore. When the waiter walks by, I ask him for a box for my food. Arrogant Jerk asks me if my food is ok, and I say yes, my eyes were just bigger than my stomach. "I doubt that," he says again somewhat under his breath. What?? WHAT?!! Are you fucking kidding me? This whole attitude is because he thinks I'm fat??? "Excuse me?" I say. "Oh, nothing. Not worth repeating," he said. "I heard you the first time, and you're right, it is NOT worth repeating. I'm wondering why you felt you needed to say that to my face," I say, fighting back the desire to just start crying right then and there. I'm by no means petite. I'm not any variation of thin, but I'm certainly nowhere near having someone tell me to my face I'm fat. I am 100% sure every picture in my profile showed me EXACTLY how I look, so for someone I had come to trust to an extent make a jab like that, it's really hard not to get distraught. When he saw how upset this has made me, he said, "Oh, no, see the thing is, I just normally don't date really fat girls. It's nothing against you." OH! Thanks for clearing that up. Nothing against me. I feel SO great now. I don't want to stick my fork in your eye at all.

The server comes back with my food in a box and puts it on the table. Classless Arrogant Jerk looks at the box and tells me, "So now that that whole weight thing is on the table, if you want to eat the rest of your food now instead of when you get home, that's ok with me." Seriously? Is this a joke? I don't get it. "I know the drill. Take home half your food so your date doesn't think you're pigging out? Don't worry, I won't judge." Holy balls. Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?! Are people really this mean in real life? Then he starts chuckling and says, "I mean, you can't possibly be full yet." Yeah, ok. No more welling up with tears. I'm not upset anymore. Just mad.

Now as I've said before, my parents have raised me to be a lady. They've also raised me to stand up for myself, and sometimes those two do not go hand in hand so you have to choose. I stood up, walked over to his side of the table and leaned over to get right in his stupid, still chuckling face. I looked him straight in the eye and said in a low, calm, and painfully sweet tone of voice, "I don't normally date short men who've lost most of their hair before the age of 25. It's nothing against you though," then with two fingers, I casually pushed my to go box of food off the table and in to his lap as I walked away. Lady-like? Probably not, but it was the best I'd felt all evening.